What can distance do to us?

i really dislike it when i read soppy posts
i think its sad for the ppl to read it, it's that helpless feeling that you can't really reach out to them even when u know such deep things in the heart
but sorry, i just cant help it now, here.

what can distance do to us?
i keep asking this qn over and over the past year but everytime i try to push these thoughts out
but tonight, for no reason whatsoever, my eyes get hot and the tears come as i think and think and think

what can distance do to friendships
what can time do to friends
i know i will (hopefully!) be there in the end, after these what, 5/6 years? but i dont just want to be in the end.
i know this sounds selfish, but i dont just want to be at each other's weddings, smiling, shaking hands, but not know what the process of everything was.
i must sound selfish now thinking that my family's over and there's still things that i want, but thats the qn i keep asking myself.
i dont want to just know you did well for your a levels, how your family is every now and then, how birthdays went, what you guys did, know you guys went on to ns and not be there to support, not to see you all every sunday/friday, not to be able to share your troubles, thoughts, burdens, happiness, feelings.
i dont just want to be in the end-product and be strangers, not knowing what has happenned behind the scenes.

i want to be involved, in the process of all these transitions. these are the things that are gonna be a pillar in our friendships.

i dont know anymore

I don't want to say i regret this, moving here, but i kinda feel that way sometimes.

i want to call you guys up sometimes and just talk and talk and talk, about life, destiny, troubles, family, school, people, happy things
but i can't

sometimes i struggle, fb is a good way to connect , i totally agree
but sometimes i feel that the distance is amplified even more, the fact that i have to see the pictures, to know that i wasn't there to share the happy day/event

don't get me wrong, I am happy when i see those pictures
Happy, thankful to God for these beautiful ppl that i love, that they are reaching their milestones in their lives. these happiness that they're experiencing

so maybe you can judge me and say that im being selfish, that i cant have 2 things at the same time, that im greedy, but

i really really long for that physical presence, that we can link arms and go to kpoitiam
the times when we pray and cry with one another, for our generation
the sound of singing and worship when we all stand shoulder to shoulder and praise God together

But above all, aside from all these things,
i do know that God watches over these friendships, that
He knows all our thoughst and desires

perhaps this is just a weird, bad moment of me getting all confused
and took my eyes off God

this is a moment when i fluttered, wobbled, and forgot that my two feet are still in God's hands
that its just me overthinking

i miss everything

but i believe God sees
when i scramble like this in the dark, He knows where im heading

so i want to trust in Him, no matter how unbelievable it seems to me right now
Trust. this one word, seems always so easy to say
but yet so difficult to do

i love You God

there are indeed things that i can be grateful for

i just didnt open my eyes wide enough:)

God was there all along, here with me.
He showed me he smallest little things yesterday of His presence to me, through wah, His creations.
His works made me ask again, didnt i believe that He is real? yes He is!

the smallest things made me smile yesterday,
the yellow and white flower field,
the charity shop,
the sunshine after the heavy rain,
uncle sam and his kindness,
the fog that He created when i breathe out,
the parents that i have with me,
the time that we cooked dinner together in e small hotel room.

God showed me once again the small things that i overlooked,
that was there all along.
that He was there all along,
He never left me, and He won't.


got to go, post pictures soon!

The first few days

Hi everyone in sunny singapore:) i miss you all.

this blog is a place for me to write my honest feelings and thoughts, to feel real, and not having to do it on fb where everyone can see it, so if anyone wants to know my blog, pls ask them to ask me, or if they are close, then oh wells:)

how's mannychester?
the weather here is cold, summer though i thought would be 30 degrees but no, it can drop to 10 at night! wearing 3 layers, its like winter to me. the sun sets at 9:30 pm, and i wake up around 7 without a alarm clock:) AMAZING.

i still cant believe its just been 3 days since i left sing, it felt very long. Initially it was still fun, going to a new place, new weather, different streets, exploring, but it feels like a holiday.
But reality finally sunk in yesterday, and it hurts.
i finally get face to face with them, i think i often avoided them, thinking ' ah, its just another 19 more sundays', IT IS, but the feeling is different.
i feel lonely even when my parents are around.
im always counting forward 7 hrs, thinking of hat everyone is doing in sing.
i walked down the streets, seeing friends talking together, i miss my friends in singapore.
i dont want to be in a new and presumingly exciting place with no one to share the excitement with. its like having something very very very nice to eat, and you have no one to share it with. You end up eating it all up by yourself.


i see my parents, their moods have lightened up, i can see that they are happier, it looks something like a honeymoon i think, both sitting in the front seat, talking/teasing each other abt the directions or something.
but i realise im alone
the thought of not knowing a single person in the whole country scares me.
yes i do know some people, but i dont knowknow them yet. i dont know if they will really accept me for who i really am. i dont know their past, their ways.
i know my friends in singapore, that i love them and they love me, and its geniune, there is no doubt about them. i feel secure, safe.
but when im here, i feel insecure, vulnerable.
i want to have something to look forward to, cells to look forward to, people to look forward to call.


i know i shouldn't be selfish and think i have no one, because my parents are here, its better that they are here isn't it. yes but its still different. im 24/7 with them excluding time in the toilet:)
i feel emotional and want to cry but i dont want them to see and worry abt me.


yesterday, i asked " where are You God?"
and i realised He is here all the time, He knows my feelings, my emotions, its just that i haven't been searching for Him long/ deep enough. but its difficult, i wont say its easy.


all through this whole moving away thing, i think i handled it abit light-heartedly, or i was runnning from my own fears, i always assumed it would be alright, just need to be strong.
but my, i need to be so much stronger, i came face to face with my emotions and raw feelings and its scaring me. i realised i was just doing everything routinely, and journaling and drawing helps:) thanks ben. it let me get the right words to describe my felings, and to write them down, so it isnt just floating around in my mind. i meet them face to face.


dont worry, im not emo, but i would want to cry it out, to call someone and cry to that person, but its ok.

Above all, i can cry to people, but God is the one who wipes my tears.
friends love me, but God loves me deeper.
i can hold my friend's hand, but God can carry me through.



on a high note, i finally saw real live daisies! i only ever saw them on flickr, or internet, so i was really happy to see them.

Love,
April

Really grateful, thankful

i was really very happy, seeing all my friends altogether at a time, it felt explosive! hahha if you get what i mean.

and thanks for everyone who cooked, took pictures, walked ppl in, came:)

i went to bed feeling warm and fuzzy.

Sunday

- i will never learn my destiny until i tread upon weakness

- That's when the power of God manifests.

- Not in human's power, but human's weakness.

it's not a matter of if it will happen, but it's just a matter of time when i will feel that sense of absoloute weakness. but when i encounter it, i want to embrace it, not because of bravery,

but because i build my foundation on God, that He does all things for my good, what i do not see now, He will show me later. What i do not understand, i want His wisdom to understand.

i will embrace it, knowing that He is and will be embracing me.