this blog is a place for me to write my honest feelings and thoughts, to feel real, and not having to do it on fb where everyone can see it, so if anyone wants to know my blog, pls ask them to ask me, or if they are close, then oh wells:)
how's mannychester?
the weather here is cold, summer though i thought would be 30 degrees but no, it can drop to 10 at night! wearing 3 layers, its like winter to me. the sun sets at 9:30 pm, and i wake up around 7 without a alarm clock:) AMAZING.
i still cant believe its just been 3 days since i left sing, it felt very long. Initially it was still fun, going to a new place, new weather, different streets, exploring, but it feels like a holiday.
But reality finally sunk in yesterday, and it hurts.
i finally get face to face with them, i think i often avoided them, thinking ' ah, its just another 19 more sundays', IT IS, but the feeling is different.
i feel lonely even when my parents are around.
im always counting forward 7 hrs, thinking of hat everyone is doing in sing.
i walked down the streets, seeing friends talking together, i miss my friends in singapore.
i dont want to be in a new and presumingly exciting place with no one to share the excitement with. its like having something very very very nice to eat, and you have no one to share it with. You end up eating it all up by yourself.
i see my parents, their moods have lightened up, i can see that they are happier, it looks something like a honeymoon i think, both sitting in the front seat, talking/teasing each other abt the directions or something.
but i realise im alone
the thought of not knowing a single person in the whole country scares me.
yes i do know some people, but i dont knowknow them yet. i dont know if they will really accept me for who i really am. i dont know their past, their ways.
i know my friends in singapore, that i love them and they love me, and its geniune, there is no doubt about them. i feel secure, safe.
but when im here, i feel insecure, vulnerable.
i want to have something to look forward to, cells to look forward to, people to look forward to call.
i know i shouldn't be selfish and think i have no one, because my parents are here, its better that they are here isn't it. yes but its still different. im 24/7 with them excluding time in the toilet:)
i feel emotional and want to cry but i dont want them to see and worry abt me.
yesterday, i asked " where are You God?"
and i realised He is here all the time, He knows my feelings, my emotions, its just that i haven't been searching for Him long/ deep enough. but its difficult, i wont say its easy.
all through this whole moving away thing, i think i handled it abit light-heartedly, or i was runnning from my own fears, i always assumed it would be alright, just need to be strong.
but my, i need to be so much stronger, i came face to face with my emotions and raw feelings and its scaring me. i realised i was just doing everything routinely, and journaling and drawing helps:) thanks ben. it let me get the right words to describe my felings, and to write them down, so it isnt just floating around in my mind. i meet them face to face.
dont worry, im not emo, but i would want to cry it out, to call someone and cry to that person, but its ok.
Above all, i can cry to people, but God is the one who wipes my tears.
friends love me, but God loves me deeper.
i can hold my friend's hand, but God can carry me through.
on a high note, i finally saw real live daisies! i only ever saw them on flickr, or internet, so i was really happy to see them.
Love,
April
