What can distance do to us?

i really dislike it when i read soppy posts
i think its sad for the ppl to read it, it's that helpless feeling that you can't really reach out to them even when u know such deep things in the heart
but sorry, i just cant help it now, here.

what can distance do to us?
i keep asking this qn over and over the past year but everytime i try to push these thoughts out
but tonight, for no reason whatsoever, my eyes get hot and the tears come as i think and think and think

what can distance do to friendships
what can time do to friends
i know i will (hopefully!) be there in the end, after these what, 5/6 years? but i dont just want to be in the end.
i know this sounds selfish, but i dont just want to be at each other's weddings, smiling, shaking hands, but not know what the process of everything was.
i must sound selfish now thinking that my family's over and there's still things that i want, but thats the qn i keep asking myself.
i dont want to just know you did well for your a levels, how your family is every now and then, how birthdays went, what you guys did, know you guys went on to ns and not be there to support, not to see you all every sunday/friday, not to be able to share your troubles, thoughts, burdens, happiness, feelings.
i dont just want to be in the end-product and be strangers, not knowing what has happenned behind the scenes.

i want to be involved, in the process of all these transitions. these are the things that are gonna be a pillar in our friendships.

i dont know anymore

I don't want to say i regret this, moving here, but i kinda feel that way sometimes.

i want to call you guys up sometimes and just talk and talk and talk, about life, destiny, troubles, family, school, people, happy things
but i can't

sometimes i struggle, fb is a good way to connect , i totally agree
but sometimes i feel that the distance is amplified even more, the fact that i have to see the pictures, to know that i wasn't there to share the happy day/event

don't get me wrong, I am happy when i see those pictures
Happy, thankful to God for these beautiful ppl that i love, that they are reaching their milestones in their lives. these happiness that they're experiencing

so maybe you can judge me and say that im being selfish, that i cant have 2 things at the same time, that im greedy, but

i really really long for that physical presence, that we can link arms and go to kpoitiam
the times when we pray and cry with one another, for our generation
the sound of singing and worship when we all stand shoulder to shoulder and praise God together

But above all, aside from all these things,
i do know that God watches over these friendships, that
He knows all our thoughst and desires

perhaps this is just a weird, bad moment of me getting all confused
and took my eyes off God

this is a moment when i fluttered, wobbled, and forgot that my two feet are still in God's hands
that its just me overthinking

i miss everything

but i believe God sees
when i scramble like this in the dark, He knows where im heading

so i want to trust in Him, no matter how unbelievable it seems to me right now
Trust. this one word, seems always so easy to say
but yet so difficult to do

i love You God

there are indeed things that i can be grateful for

i just didnt open my eyes wide enough:)

God was there all along, here with me.
He showed me he smallest little things yesterday of His presence to me, through wah, His creations.
His works made me ask again, didnt i believe that He is real? yes He is!

the smallest things made me smile yesterday,
the yellow and white flower field,
the charity shop,
the sunshine after the heavy rain,
uncle sam and his kindness,
the fog that He created when i breathe out,
the parents that i have with me,
the time that we cooked dinner together in e small hotel room.

God showed me once again the small things that i overlooked,
that was there all along.
that He was there all along,
He never left me, and He won't.


got to go, post pictures soon!

The first few days

Hi everyone in sunny singapore:) i miss you all.

this blog is a place for me to write my honest feelings and thoughts, to feel real, and not having to do it on fb where everyone can see it, so if anyone wants to know my blog, pls ask them to ask me, or if they are close, then oh wells:)

how's mannychester?
the weather here is cold, summer though i thought would be 30 degrees but no, it can drop to 10 at night! wearing 3 layers, its like winter to me. the sun sets at 9:30 pm, and i wake up around 7 without a alarm clock:) AMAZING.

i still cant believe its just been 3 days since i left sing, it felt very long. Initially it was still fun, going to a new place, new weather, different streets, exploring, but it feels like a holiday.
But reality finally sunk in yesterday, and it hurts.
i finally get face to face with them, i think i often avoided them, thinking ' ah, its just another 19 more sundays', IT IS, but the feeling is different.
i feel lonely even when my parents are around.
im always counting forward 7 hrs, thinking of hat everyone is doing in sing.
i walked down the streets, seeing friends talking together, i miss my friends in singapore.
i dont want to be in a new and presumingly exciting place with no one to share the excitement with. its like having something very very very nice to eat, and you have no one to share it with. You end up eating it all up by yourself.


i see my parents, their moods have lightened up, i can see that they are happier, it looks something like a honeymoon i think, both sitting in the front seat, talking/teasing each other abt the directions or something.
but i realise im alone
the thought of not knowing a single person in the whole country scares me.
yes i do know some people, but i dont knowknow them yet. i dont know if they will really accept me for who i really am. i dont know their past, their ways.
i know my friends in singapore, that i love them and they love me, and its geniune, there is no doubt about them. i feel secure, safe.
but when im here, i feel insecure, vulnerable.
i want to have something to look forward to, cells to look forward to, people to look forward to call.


i know i shouldn't be selfish and think i have no one, because my parents are here, its better that they are here isn't it. yes but its still different. im 24/7 with them excluding time in the toilet:)
i feel emotional and want to cry but i dont want them to see and worry abt me.


yesterday, i asked " where are You God?"
and i realised He is here all the time, He knows my feelings, my emotions, its just that i haven't been searching for Him long/ deep enough. but its difficult, i wont say its easy.


all through this whole moving away thing, i think i handled it abit light-heartedly, or i was runnning from my own fears, i always assumed it would be alright, just need to be strong.
but my, i need to be so much stronger, i came face to face with my emotions and raw feelings and its scaring me. i realised i was just doing everything routinely, and journaling and drawing helps:) thanks ben. it let me get the right words to describe my felings, and to write them down, so it isnt just floating around in my mind. i meet them face to face.


dont worry, im not emo, but i would want to cry it out, to call someone and cry to that person, but its ok.

Above all, i can cry to people, but God is the one who wipes my tears.
friends love me, but God loves me deeper.
i can hold my friend's hand, but God can carry me through.



on a high note, i finally saw real live daisies! i only ever saw them on flickr, or internet, so i was really happy to see them.

Love,
April

Really grateful, thankful

i was really very happy, seeing all my friends altogether at a time, it felt explosive! hahha if you get what i mean.

and thanks for everyone who cooked, took pictures, walked ppl in, came:)

i went to bed feeling warm and fuzzy.

Sunday

- i will never learn my destiny until i tread upon weakness

- That's when the power of God manifests.

- Not in human's power, but human's weakness.

it's not a matter of if it will happen, but it's just a matter of time when i will feel that sense of absoloute weakness. but when i encounter it, i want to embrace it, not because of bravery,

but because i build my foundation on God, that He does all things for my good, what i do not see now, He will show me later. What i do not understand, i want His wisdom to understand.

i will embrace it, knowing that He is and will be embracing me.

Sea of feelings

I started counting down, 20 more days.

im thinking of so many things all at a go, ah

Your peace, assurance, i need.

somethings make me happy, but there's time.
will you wait?
or will i wait?

i saw really how dangerous and powerful words can be yesterday.
Father, i pray for patience and love to deal with this, and greater awareness of my own emotions before speaking.
' Out of the same mouth shouldn't come out praises and curses.'

You are higher than my heart.



Thanks for the surprise Jeannie:)

A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken

Ben and Queenie's wedding was beautiful :)

The whole ceremony was so touching. I was glad and very previledged to be able to watch the union of two such God- fearing man and woman together, partnering with God with the rest of their lives. I feel so happy for them.
And i really learnt the meaning of "We love, because God first loved us.". It's so true for the both of them. That they can love each other because of God love.

 
 
Seeing this wedding made me think what my wedding will be like,
a man who can look at me in all honesty and say that he will honour me and God, all of our days,
and that I am willing to do the same.
Most importantly,

I want the both of us to be kneeling and vowing before the cross.

A cord of three strands is not easily broken.

a night of fustration

i cant take it anymore. starting i dont have any problems, but now probably i do. i feel so trapped here, always thinking of what they are feeling. it overwhelms me. if i tell myself dont think about it, i feel bad, like i feel like i just gave up on them.but when i decide to think about them, like, should i do this... do that... if i do this, what will they feel?neglected?insulted?happy?what best makes them happy?i get so fustrated that i need to think of all this. yea its good for him to release but its a burden for me cos i have to be the one who looks like the bad guy, trying to prevent them from finding out, them being unhappy of something that i could have helped avoid if i tried harder, persisted longer. im fustrated with myself. why cant i handle these feelings, brush them aside? this whole thing is turning me upside down. makes me unstable.

But i cant calm this choppy ocean, but i now know my God can.
when i am worrying so much, it kind of let me ask myself, whose strength am i really depending on? who do i really trust. initially i trusted myself, used my strength but of course You had more than me.
I was thinking of solutions for God unconciously when God doesnt need my solutions.
He has the greatest.

i finally bought the air ticket.

i knew this day was coming, and was prepared for it, but seeing a definite date now makes me anxious too.

I will fly under Your wings Lord.

God-given moments, God-given friends

i'm so thankful.

for the friends i have, the family i have,

the things that only You alone can set straight back, the wisdom You gave them, the decisions they made,

the ability to give us choices, and if we fall, You give us the grace to brush our knees, pull us up, and say

" it's all right my child, let's carry on."

When i run this race, i may not be running side by side with you.

we all have different routes, God-given missions to take,

but i know you will be cheering me on,

and i will be cheering too,

we will meet at the finishing line,

rejoicing.

Next 6 years isnt simply 6 years of studying,
but 6 years of lavishing by God.

The safest place is when im in His will.

Covenant- Binding agreement between me and God. A agreement that God will fufill His part, and i in turn will fufill my part.

its much more than a promise, its something watched over by our Father.

thinking of invites and dates

Darkness has no hold over me

 Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul.
                                        Psalm 143:8


Dinner yesterday night went quite all right. I learnt something from it, maybe thats why i felt it was important to go, i somehow see God's hand in this.
i didnt feel the need to keep "pleasing" people when i didnt like the way they talked to one another by exchanging unkind words, to the degree that you dont know whether they are serious about it or not.

i didnt feel the need to always be in the midst of some conversation that i wasnt comfortable with, unlike the old me which would have talked, just for the sake of not wanting to feel excluded.
the old me would feel flustered that i couldnt find something/ add interesting things to the conversation.
the old me would feel very concious when ppl started taking pictures without me
the old me would feel left out when they talk about their jc lives, when they dont bother to share with me even if a unsure look was on my face.
God's presence was there with me that night, i felt calmness, even when i was just watching them talk away.

i didnt feel the need to do anything that i felt was 'fake' just to be in the midst of their conversation.


Looking back, i know why the dinner was important spiritually.
God was putting me in a place that i cannot ignore what i feel anymore, and just come straight, that i dont want to please them.
its also like a glimpse of isolation that is ahead of me. when i am flustered, God's calmness washes over me.

thank You Lord for showing me so many things, and for a few real friends who were there, and cared.


Thinking back on the last 2 days that the sudden dryness, stuffiness came, and now that i'm back standing on God's truth again,
i learnt that when God starts to open my eyes more, me grower stronger in Him, and when there is greater intimacy,
satan is afraid and wants to break down, sow doubt, destroy.
satan is afraid when a sincere prayer is said
satan is afriad when friends gather together and share the deep parts of their heart because he knows, thats when us, warriors are united and ready to fight for God

                                                    Father's day surprise! sibling-power unite!

                                                            tripped down to tampines today:)


my strength is in You alone Lord

the battle is starting

went to babysit tiffany and grace today, almost completely forgot :)
really tired, but it was fun playing hide and seek with her.

dinner later with sec4 prefects. was contemplating really hard if i should go
whenever i meet up with them, i just feel very out of place, uncomfortable and insecure. i thought maybe i shouldnt go, dont force myself to go through feelings that i dont want to, want to avoid them.
but then again, maybe this was to make me come face to face with my fears with my own peers?
i dont know, but i have a feeling this is going to be important,
so there im going. praying and singing on the way :)

i can feel darkness trying to close in around me already just after jyc camp where i made new commitments again to God.it is trying to make me doubt my covenant with God.
 i can already feel how fast the heaviness hits just after sunday and even after the htht with ivan, where encouragement was flowing.
After all the victories that God claimed back yesterday.

One day is all it takes for satan to try to rob me of my standing.
I can feel it, the stuffiness of it really.
this afternoon i didnt even realise i wasnt smiling until my dad pointed it out.
I told my spiritman to arise, and that God alone is my strength.
singing songs of worship all the way to tiffany's house and back home.

you will have no hold on me for I am a child of God. untouchable by you.
at the sound of my Father's Name, He will send you cowering in a corner.
I am a princess of God, beautiful because He made me in His image with His hands.
My hope is in the Lord alone, no one or thing has thepower to rob me of the joy God has placed in me.
The battle is starting, but i am prepared, for i know You are there with me.
You are my rock, my strong tower, my true comforter, my covenant holder.
  Amen.

back from Hk!

love the place, the food, the people, even the water dripping onto my head as i walk under aircons.

i feel so happy when im totally immersed in the place that everyone speaks the same language.

finally managed to dare to draw, telling myself,' no pencil,use a pen!', feel accomplished to record bits of my homeland. want to sit on the middle of a street and just draw:)

family camp

Back from family camp!
It was great, saw lots of behind-the-scenes-jobs that we often take for granted, had new insights to many things, great time of fellowship and sharing:) and most imprtantly,
God's presence was so thick in camp, learnt many things, revealed many things.

Let moi try to share the things i learnt,

1. I need support from others.                                                                                                             i'm not in a one-person journey. i need prayer companions, friends, warriors to fight together.  So often i think, " i'm the one going overseas, i'm the one going to experience everything, others wont understand me, there isn't a need to includ others in" How selfish, arrogant i was. God revealed it in camp. Yes, they wont physically be there and may not understand some feelings, but it's not about the understanding, its about the need for each person to need someone else to be accountable to. That when i am there, i know i have a group of people here that i can share the good and bad with. A group that accepts me whatever i do. that doesnt mean i can go do really bad things, but really just having the security that i am not alone in this journey of pushing back darkness and making holiness a norm in our generation, but that there are other such people too.
2. God made a purpose before He formed us. i always thought that God made us first, imagine a clay person, then giving us a purpose. i thought its like a " uh oh, i made a extra person, hmmm, what should i do with her, sigh, guess i just have to anyhow give her a purpose, its alright" NO!   God came up with a purpose first, then made the person for that special, one and only purpose. It's like having a big vat with lots of "purposes" and your name is engraved on it. God then picks "it" up and then forms you. How cool is that? A purpose specially bestowed upon us by God. Everyone has a purpose!dont say you dont have one, this God is a fair God  :)
3. When i sin, its not because im weak. It's because in that moment, i loved sin more than i loved God. so often we think, " ah, because im weak", but its not. It's because in that split second of making that decision, we decided that we want sin more than we love God. So, in every time that we sin, we are proclaiming to satan that,' yes!i love you more'. No! i want to love God more!
4. God defeating Satan is like using a nuclear bomb to kill a mosquito. God doesnt have to use much energy to defeat satan. He Himself is power in Himself. So often we belittle His power. But shouldn't a God that created the whole universe without any materials, very very powerful? Its like placing you in a empty room with nothing, and asking you to make something out of nothing. Only God can do that. Even satan can't create his own things, he tries to use God's possessions, us, to feel powerful.
5. Worship is a declaration to Him.
6. God will reserve that special someone for me, so i do not have to worry, think about it.(yes i know this sounds cliche, and i myself used to think so too, but listen,) so often, as a girl especially(if u are, probably you can identify with this), i often think of my own future, and spceil feelins for someone. But someone told me, " Since God loves you so very much, He definitely will want to make you happy. And since He knows every little bit of you, your deepest desires, things that dont appear on the exterior, things that perhaps you yourself dont know, so then wont He definitely give you someone that is the best for you?" all i have to do is surrender it to God, trusting in Him, that whoever it is, it's the best choice, since its from the Almighty God. All i have to do is wait for His perfect timing.

you don't have to package your words to Me.
I know your words before it leaves your lips.
I know your very thoughts before it forms in your head.




i want to be sweating in december.

wearing a single shirt and pants and be sweating in the blazing hot sun.
i want to exchange the snow for the sun

my desire, but is it their desire?more importantly, is it Your desire?

#1 Your Desire

|

governed by the One who knows best

|

#2Their desires

|

 governed from above

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#3 My desires

library!

back from the library, really happy!
ah, it ryhmes.
borrowed a few art books, wanna start drawing and sketching again
here are some fm an artist that loves to draw hk, china, makes me really wanna go back

by Lorette E. Roberts

volunteering in church now, really happy.

at least i wake up another day knowing im going to do something

Thank You Lord

the small things to be grateful for in a birthday:)

they made the cake:)

love you three<3

and mummy too

thinking back on yesterday night, i feel maybe it's a small thing. was a never-ending fountain.

i was just thinking about what i could lose, but i didn't realise, how much i have, and how precious they are.

woke up, with a lopsided lip, kissed by a mosquito.

it's funny, made me give thanks for the silliest things like even having a lip

thank You Lord for this day

i am a flower quickly fading

here today and gone tomorrow

a wave tossed in the ocean

a vapour in the wind

still You hear me when im calling

Lord You catch me when im falling

and You told me who i am

i am Yours

:)

maple leaves and nuts

hi, im in adelaide australia now for a week
visiting jillian and her family and attending dad's graduation when he comes over!

its beautiful here:)
today we went to Stirling, a suburb, and the leaves were green, orange, yellow, red!
nuts were all over the ground, picked up alot:))
went to a gardening market and a farm market, and to church today too
just crushed lots of cans, when you recycle here, you get money!1 can= 10cents, today we found 18!
helping to prepare dinner now, watching Hachiko tonight


but i miss singapore though, miss teans when they had the surprise for Nina, Vic, Sam and Jing:(
and missed service today too, ahh
thinking of family back home is everything ok?... but im so far away.
then ah, i thought, if now i miss everyone so much, what will happen when i go manchester.
and its on the other side of the world somemore


You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease
and i trust in You
i trust in You

family, friends, emotions all into Your hands that meticulously painted the different shades of maple leaves